


This isn't what we wanted

by JoJoStories



Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst, M/M, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 05:56:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11822619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJoStories/pseuds/JoJoStories
Summary: Decided to post this in the end.I wrote this a while ago, but wasn't sure if I liked it or not.





	This isn't what we wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to post this in the end.  
> I wrote this a while ago, but wasn't sure if I liked it or not.

”This isn't what I wanted!”

”Then what the hell did you want Connor!”

”I DONT KNOW!….I don’t…okay?”, he stares sheepishly at the stained carpet, as the questioning tone hangs heavy in the quiet. His eyes are suspiciously misty, but neither of them pay any attention to it. He feels Olivers gaze at the back of his neck, but he doesn’t dare to turn around—doesn’t want to see the disappointment, the sadness that lingers in his expression. 

”Well you should've known before you said ”yes”, this isn't fair”, Olivers voice cracks slightly at the end, but he manages to finish the sentence.

”Well…, maybe you shouldn’t have asked in the first place”, he is surprised by how cold his voice sounds, even though he is breaking apart from the inside. He can’t even make sense of his feelings. It’s all a massive turbulence of anger, sadness, love, fear and is it anxiousness? It’s such a disappointment. This whole arrangement. He did want this, he had always wanted it. Deep down under his formed persona and exterior layers. A repressed pedestrian dream about rings in boxes, tuxes and white fences, stretching around the two terraces of their future mutual home.

Oliver doesn’t answer this time. Instead Connor hears his footsteps as he slowly approaches him at the edge of their or, Olivers bed. 

He hears him whisper a soft ”Maybe I shouldn't have”, then he stops for a minute before he continues, ” But I wanted to”. Connor hears him inhale next to him. ”This is what I want, or at least what I thought I wanted… But if you don’t, I can’t force you to marry me.” He says the last part with an attempt to diffuse the tension but it falls flat. 

The weight of the bed shifts slightly as Oliver sits down beside him. The warmth of his body hits Connor like a drug. He finds himself leaning in, even though he knows he shouldn’t. His gaze wanders up to meet Olivers and when their eyes meet, Connor distinguishes anger, sadness, love, fear, and patience. Oliver is scared, but still patient. He genuinely wants to know, wants to help. 

He doesn't want to give this up. The thought makes Connor crumble, and tears starts to silently fall down his flamed cheek. He breaks the eye contact in an attempt to brush them away, but Oliver is already there, caressing his face with his soft hand, while brushing some of the falling tears away. It hits him in that moment how cliche this might seem. He remembers Gemmas chick flick movies that she made him watch as a kid, while he pretended not to like them, in fact he didn't like them, not at all. They weren't even that significant. The plot was always too predictable, and the main characters shallowness irked him tremendously. Still he watched them, couple after couple, straight of course, meet, fall in love and fight over something stupid, just to fall back in love in time for the ending. This moment resembles the stupid cliche fight used in every single one of his sisters favorite movies. However the cause isn’t stupid. Its not just something to forget and forgive and move on. Oliver didn't hack his Facebook to post a silly status that hurt his friends feelings. He went behind his back and rejected his spot at Stanford. Connor lied about two murders and cheated behind his back. They both lied, and argued, and hid from each other. To scared to even acknowledge what was happening, until Oliver did and they broke up, just to find themselves in a tangled mess. Somehow, it all just became worse.

The thing is, Oliver doesn’t even know him at all, even though he knows him better than anyone. It kills him inside, even though he knows its in vain to even morn the situation. It feels hopeless. 

So maybe they are significant, the chick flick movies. Maybe they are the reason he couldn't figure out where they went wrong, where the relationship turned toxic. Maybe they are the reason he could figure out exactly where it did.

The movement of Olivers hand calms him for a moment. He lets himself be. Takes deep breaths and tries to get out of his mind. 

”Look…I don’t know what to say or do. I just know that I can’t keep going anymore.”, his voice breaks as another tear falls against his will. ”I just—I don’t even know how to-” express myself, tell you that I don’t know what I want because I don’t trust myself anymore. Neither of those answers leave his mind. They rest in his mind like heavy rocks.

”You don’t know how to what!?” He sounds aggravated which makes him feel awful, but as he still doesn’t speak up, Oliver continues ranting. ”Talk to me Connor! This is our problem in the first place, you won’t tell me whats on your min-”

”I can’t marry you, Oliver! I can’t marry you, not even knowing your family or if I’m going to be able to meet them at all before I inevitably go to jail-”

”You won’t Connor!”

”And how do you know?!”, the anger flows through his veins. ”Annalise just keeps pushing and pushing all of this shit at us, and I’m past my breaking point! I just want it to be over …one way or another… And I can’t just move on and start a whole new normal life, pretending that Wes wasn't murdered or that I didn’t help cover up another murder for him and her. I can’t trust her”, he looks at Oliver in an attempt to really try to convey his fears. ”I can’t trust anyone, Ollie. I’m paranoid and broken…you don’t want to marry this mess. You can’t marry this mess, I won’t let you.” Connor shakes his head furiously as he tries to shake away the feeling of the choking anxiety. 

”It’s already gone to far, It can’t go further.”, he repeats it like a mantra, hoping he’ll feel the weight of his words, hoping he’ll listen to his own reasoning. But it doesn’t help when the man next to him is so patiently caressing his face in his hands, placing small pecks on his forehead every now and then in an attempt to ground him. 

”Okay well..”, Oliver starts but then he gets quiet, words lost in his mind. He takes a deep breath and steadies himself to try again. Connor feels the other mans chest move against his forehead before he hears it. Those words he both dreads and needs to hear. ”Then we won’t get married I guess”.

And so, Connor both gets and loses everything he has ever wanted. The pedestrian dreams falls through the drain, whilst the anxiousness slowly drips away at the thought of not being dragged out in handcuffs at his own wedding, the thought of not dragging Oliver down with him steadies him a bit. Still, fresh tears sting behind his eyelids but this time he manages to keep them at bay. Doesn’t want Oliver to see the effect his words have caused him. ”I guess we won’t”, he answers and the realisation leaves him numb. It feels as if he can’t think, or breath. It’s all a mess of feelings, thoughts, anxiety and numbness. 

Oliver doesn’t let him go though, they stay comfortable in each others arms, waiting for the other to break the enchantment. Their restless breathing patterns echo throughout Olivers bedroom. 

”Do you think I want to walk away? Do you think I want to say no to this, to us?” He rambles through the words before he’s even thought about them properly. However, Oliver answers him before he even has time to take them back.

”No I don’t, I understand.”

Connors raises his eyebrows. ”Really?” He mutters, voice filled with doubt. 

”Yeah, I mean I think I do?” Oliver shifts slightly. ”Its just not great timing I guess”

At that Connor sighs as the reality continues to sink through his skin. He scrambles out of Olivers embrace and sniffs discreetly, before standing up to gather his coat. He finds it at the bottom of the closet, their closet. He turns around and finds the strength to truly look at Oliver. His face is tearstained, and his eyes are red. They are focusing on Connors with an weary expression. Connor senses fatigue. Oliver is exhausted. Which is understandable considering what a train wreck he is dealing with. 

”I love you”, he says, not really trusting it to have a meaning. It leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth. 

”I love you too”, Oliver answers softly.

However, it doesn’t truly feel like a confession of fondness from his heart either.

It more rather feels like a goodbye.


End file.
